His collar surrounds this one's throat tightly yet gently
His collar caresses this one's throat lovingly
His collar is the symbol of his possession
His collar is the reminder of his promises
His collar is the embodiment of this one's needs, wants, and desires


This one finds comfort, strength, courage, determination, encouragement, and love in his collar.
This one touches it often, caresses it, focuses on it, closes her eyes and feels him through his collar.
This one feels pride, honor, devotion and love in having the privilege of wearing his collar.




This one got a compliment on his collar yesterday and this one beamed and smiled fully and said, "Thank You, his collar is lovely isn't it?"  This one got an odd look at her comment but it didn't matter to her.

[	Current Location	|	Her Room	]
[	mood	|	determined	]
[	music	|	Three Dog Grace - Animal I Have Become	]

This will be my last post for some time.  I know that whatever I write here will be an attempt to communicate with M'Lord.  I've thought about this all afternoon and evening.  This is a much deserved punishment and instead of being upset about it I am going to embrace it.  I will take this time to concentrate on becoming the pet that M'Lord deserves.  I will continue each day and do what I'm supposed to and I will be happy in doing it.  I will strive everyday to be the pet he deserves.  It really is sad that it takes this for me to do so because he deserves to have his pet and he doesn't get to because of my behavior.  I've denied him the one thing he wants but instead of feeling horrible and killing myself over it because that is also selfish I will just go on and make sure that everyday I am the pet he wants whether he sees it or not.  I can't let the weakness that is trying so hard to get out, consume me.  I have to be strong and carry on and behave as I should because I know that is what he wants.  I know that as the days go on it will get harder and harder but I will persevere and I will continue to be who I am supposed to be.  I know that tonight when I go to sleep it will feel so much colder as M'Lord's presence will not be with me as I feel it every night when I sleep.  I feel it there above me comforting me.  I won't feel that now and I will miss it with the depth of my being.  I do not feel like my devotion to M'Lord has lessoned if anything it is stronger because it has to be stronger in order to get through this.  I will get through this and be better for it.

As I close this a song that always reminds me of him plays.

[	Current Location	|	Her Room	]
[	mood	|	determined	]
[	music	|	The sound of her computer fans	]

I got the last email that I'll get from M'Lord indefinitely.  In it was my punishment for my transgression yesterday.  This is a well deserved punishment and I honestly wasn't surprised by it.  He did the one thing that he knew would effect me the most short of releasing me and that is excommunicating me.  I cannot try to contact him at all and he will not talk to me for an undetermined amount of time.  I don't think this is cruel and I didn't burst into tears when I read it.  Some how I knew it was coming.  I knew I had fucked up badly and from the tone of his email this morning I knew he would punish me hard.  This is the hardest he can punish me.  I have been a vast disappointment to him.  There isn't a light at the end of the tunnel for me on this one.  I know he won't even check my journal during this time.  As of 1316 GMT-6  I don't exist.  I know that what ever punishment he gives me is also a form of punishment on him.  I know it was hard for him to do this but I know that it is what is needed and that I do deserve every second of this punishment.  I know also that the only thing that will get me through this is my faith and trust that he does care for me and that I am M'Lord's pet.  I cannot let my faith and trust in that ever waiver again and I won't.  The pet that he wants and deserves will be here when he comes to get her and not the stupid selfish child that existed.

[	Current Location	|	School Comp Lab	]
[	mood	|	thoughtful	]
[	music	|	None	]

I did the one thing that one should never do and that is not trust.  I should have completely known better than to think that M'Lord had just left me hanging.  I didn't trust him.  I insulted him severely with my childish behavior.  I doubt I will get to talk to him today as he's very upset with me.  I can't blame him though I acted like a childish brat.  I didn't stop to think clearly and logically about it.  I know I've been highly emotional these days and that could be part of it.  But no matter what, there is no excuse for not trusting him and insulting him as I did.  I don't know why I suddenly felt so insecure about things.  I don't know if it was a flash back to when my old bf from high school use to leave me at school for hours waiting for him to pick me up or what.  I know I have issues about that.  I hate waiting for people to pick me up because of that.  I know other forms of waiting irritate me because of that.  I don't know if that has anything to do with it.  M'Lord said I acted like a child with abandonment issues.  I never thought of myself as having abandonment issues but maybe I do.  All I know is that my selfish behavior in being hurt didn't let me see how stupid I was being.

[	Current Location	|	Her Room	]
[	mood	|	crushed	]
[	music	|	The Cranberries - Linger	]

I got a text on my phone about 10 minutes ago from a friend of mine because I was logged off of MSN but on my side I was logged in and so I tried IMing him and he wasn't getting them so I signed out and sighed back in and poof it all changes.  M'Lord had signed out about 45 minutes after his last message to me saying that he guess my internet went cause I'd been having problems and was going to spend the rest of the night with his plaything.  So, I just lost it and broke down into a mess and I can't stop crying now cause I've felt like fucking shit for the last 3 hours all for nothing because of a fucking technical error with MSN.  I know yahoo was working fine because Kevin had IMed me like 90 minutes into my wait and I plainly told him that I was in a really bad mood and to just leave me alone.  I'm going to go fall apart now but I can't fall apart.  I need to and I want to but I can't there's noone here to hold me together and if I fall apart on my own I may not go back together.  So, I'll just deal and pull myself together.  I called Tim to see where he was and he's knee deep in trying to move his stuff he could hear it in my voice that I was about to lose it and he knows I've been on the verge of just falling apart lately but I knew that if I started telling him what happened I wouldn't get through it without completely falling apart and he wouldn't be here to catch me.  I thought about just deleteing my previous post but decided that it was still important and instead to just add what in the end happened. 

[	Current Location	|	Her Room	]
[	mood	|	rejected	]
[	music	|	Rammstein - Ich Will	]

I'm not sure how I should feel atm.  atm though I'm hurt and angry.  I know I shouldn't be angry but I am.  I know I'm angry to try to cover how really hurt I am.  Two hours ago M'Lord excused me to go use the bathroom and told her to stop by the kitchen on the way back and get a cup of ice.  I did so and when I got back he wasn't there.  He didn't say he was going anywhere and left himself logged in.  I know at the time he was getting pleasured by his plaything and I'm sure he just got up and left to go do what he went to go do.  I've sat here though just waiting because he didn't say anything at all.  I tried to study a little bit because I have a huge test tomorrow in French but I just can't concentrate on it.  I feel like I should just stay here till he gets back.  I know I shouldn't log into any of the MMOs I play to try to kill time.  I even got up just now to go use the bathroom and got a fresh cup of ice as the one previous was mostly melted.  I'm hurt and want so badly to go smoke but I'm not supposed to when I'm with him or doing something for him.  I sat and wondered if he was just waiting to see what I would do but then thought that I was making it too complicated and the he just got caught up in what he was doing and left.  I assume he expects me to be here when he gets back still ready for him but I don't know.  In some ways I feel abandoned.  I wouldn't be hurt at all if he had just simply said I'm going to go take pleasure in my plaything I may or may not be back later.  That I can handle, but just to be left without a word bothers me.  It really does hurt me and I know it may be silly.  Some may say well that's the life of a sub just deal with it.  I really don't know how I should react to this or most importantly how he expects me to react to this.  I can't bring myself to do anything other than just sit here and wait and be ready for when he returns.

[	Current Location	|	My Room	]
[	mood	|	excited	]
[	music	|	Snow Patrol - Velocity Girl	]

How is it that one line can be such an incredible turn on?

M'Lord wrote: Mmmm.... They look lovely indeed. Perhaps it's time to renew them a little, don't you think? ;)

I had emailed him photos of the cuts on my chest from a couple of weeks ago and commented on how lovely they were and how much I liked the new scars.  That's what he said in response, nothing more, nothing less.  And yet that one line drove me crazy all day and had me turned on and wanting whatever he had in mind for me.  I still have a few hours before I might know what he has in mind for me.  I'm eagerly looking forward to it. :P

[	Current Location	|	My Room	]
[	mood	|	tired	]
[	music	|	Flogging Molly - Delilah	]

So, I find out yesterday that I was upset for nothing.  Apparently, even though the email was in my sent folder it never actually went, so nerf my phone ><.  The main topic of discussion yesterday was the news that I will be going to France for a month on Dec 12th.  This started sort of a big not argument per say but I did anger M'Lord which later on that night after a long discussion was made better again.  This means that I will be away from M'Lord in even more ways even though physically closer to him, but I will be with Kevin.  This was the start of the "argument" (I really can't think of anything else to call it so argument will just have to do).  I asked M'Lord, "Will M'Lord still talk to this one while she is gone?"  He said he doubted it and I really didn't expect him to even though I wanted him to.  What M'Lord got angry about was the fact that I wouldn't just ask him for what I wanted and once again I was being a "indecisive coward", which he was completely right on.  That aside though in our discussion it brought up a few things that I really didn't think about till then.  One of them being how scared I really am of going.  I am very happy I'm going on one hand and on the other scared to death of going.  The reasons for the latter pretty much fall into 1 I'll be away from M'Lord with very little communication between us 2 How will I act? 3 Can I deal with acting "normal" with Kevin?  When I went to France in August M'Lord and I had only been really really talking to each other for a few weeks (we had talked to each other for months before but not seriously) and things didn't progress to me being his pet till the end of August after I came back from France.  So, none of these feelings that I have now existed when I actually saw Kevin last.  I told M'Lord that I almost felt like I needed a detailed instruction book on how to be while I'm there and his specific permission to act like a girlfriend should act.  I feel that without it I just won't be able to deal with doing things that I see as against my rules.  I told him this was almost like a test run of how things will be in June when I move to France.  At which point I'll be without M'Lord indefinitely, which scares the utter crap out of me and I try not to think about it at all.  I've known that I will have to deal with these things eventually and as the time gets closer I don't know what to do more and more.  I know I've gotten myself into this situation, but I just couldn't say "no" to M'Lord when he started telling me to do little things, teasing me.  Neither one of us thought that what started out as just a tease between us would grow into him collaring me and into me being his devoted pet.  But that is what I am now and what I have to do now is try to cope with being his while not actually being his.  ::sigh::  The things we do to ourselves sometimes.......